Funny Quotes and Lines from Two and a Half Men, My Name Is Earl & More

by Jason the TVaholic on March 26, 2006

in Say It Again, Top Lists

This was a good week for those that like a well-delivered line or a funny bit of dialogue. So, what funny lines of dialogue left you chuckling last week? Well, here is a listing of the funny quotes from the week of March 19th, 2006 that made the TVaholic laugh. Read on and enjoy!

Dialogue of the Week

Show: Two and a Half Men (CBS)
Episode: The Spit-Covered Cobbler
The Setup: Alan’s not so bright young girlfriend, Candy, is brushing her teeth.
Candy: Ouch!
Alan: What?
Candy: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
Alan: Oh, when was the last time you saw a dentist?
Candy: Alan, I see people all the time. They don’t always tell you what they do.

More Funny TV Quotes

Show: My Name Is Earl (NBC)
Episode: Y2K
The Setup: Earl and the gang used to rob people at Christmas time by distracting them with caroling while Earl would sneak in the back and take the presents from under the tree. They are sitting around the table opening them.
Joy: If this is another damn thesaurus, I’m going to track down those dumb, stupid … dumb people and teach them how to buy a proper gift.

Show: The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS)
Episode: Open Water
The Setup: Christine is talking with her friend Barb about her social life. Barb wants to set her up on a date. She wants …
Christine: … If I meet somebody. I want it to be spontaneous, you know. I want the spark. I want the magic, you know.
Barb: How’s that working out for you?
Christine: (eating a bagel) Pretty good.
Barb: Look sweetie, you spend all your time at Richie’s school. You live with your brother and you own a woman’s gym. You need a wand and a rabbit to make magic happen there.

Show: Veronica Mars (UPN)
Episode: The Quick and the Wed
The Setup: Logan is discussing his up coming trial with his attorney, Cliff. Cliff tells him that a date has been set and Logan makes a glib comment regarding what he should wear that day. Cliff tells him of a plea deal that he thinks he should take.
Logan: No deal.
Cliff: Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I’ll be wearing an “I’m with stupid” t-shirt.

Show: Scrubs (NBC)
Episode: My Extra Mile
The Setup: There are 10 surgical residents and only three jobs for next year. All the surgical residents have been kissing up to Dr. Kelso hoping to get one of those spots. Dr. Kelso walks into the cafeteria and makes an announcement.
Dr. Kelso: Attention surgical residents still hoping to have a job next year! The annual blood drive is upon us. And I will be needing a volunteer to greet our donors as the hospital’s new mascot, the friendly hypodermic needle, Mr. Prick. (silent pause) We’ll probably change the name.

Show: Living With Fran (WB)
Episode: Reuniting With Fran
The Setup: Fran played by Fran Drescher has broken up with Riley. Riley and his friend Danny have gone to Fran’s place to get his drill. Riley leaves to get it and Danny and Fran talk.
Fran: How’s he really doing?
Danny: He’s a basket case. He watched a rerun of The Nanny and he got all sad cause she reminded him of you.
Fran: That is sweet, but her voice.

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